YOU’VE RENTED YOUR DREAM weeklong vacation house, with a spacious kitchen, three bedrooms, and glorious beach views from nearly every window. You toured the house with the real estate agent and fell in love on sight. Now, on your first weekend, the landlady unlocks a door you hadn’t noticed. Behind it is a studio with panoramic windows, a fieldstone fireplace, French doors, and a deck overlooking the ocean.
You’re giddy with joy. But the landlady tells you she’s keeping the room locked because it’s full of personal papers and fragile possessions. She’s sorry. She hopes you understand.
You don’t. You adored this house without the extra room, but now that you know it’s there and off-limits, your sense of loss makes you miserable and threatens to ruin what should be a joyous new chapter in your life.
Psychologists routinely help people deal with self-defeating behavior like this, and they have answers for why we allow mental roadblocks to ruin wonderful experiences. One key reason is that you may actually fear happiness, or feel you don’t deserve it. If you’ve never been happy, feeling it can trigger your fear of the unknown. Or maybe you fear happiness because you’ve been discouraged for past successes by others who are threatened by your success.
Once you recognize that you’re the architect of your own misery, how can you remedy the situation? We asked Judith Beck, PhD, director of the Beck Institute for Cognitive Therapy and Research in Bala Cynwyd, PA, and author of Beck Diet Solution. Her advice? Focus on the joy you do have, instead of mourning what you may be missing. And try these suggestions.
IDENTIFY Figure out the significance behind the thing that’s making you so unhappy. Ask yourself, “What’s so bad about [fill in the blank]?”DETERMINE THE IMPACT Modify these questions to fit your problem:
- Does not having the room mean I can’t focus on the other wonderful aspects of the house?
- Does it hinder my enjoyment of spending weekends and vacations there?
- Does it limit my ability to entertain friends and family when they visit?
SEE INTO THE FUTURE Ten years from now, how much will this bother you? This will help you put your disappointment into perspective.
LIST PROS AND CONS Write down the advantages and disadvantages that result from paying so much attention to this problem. What do you gain by being so upset?
ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE List all the good things surrounding your problem. For example, even without the studio, the vacation house has the ocean, guest bedrooms, a great kitchen, spectacular views, and invigorating salt air—enough to keep anyone happy.
SEEK HELP Consider getting some short-term cognitive behavior therapy. In 8 to 10 sessions, a therapist can teach you the skills to overcome obstacles to your happiness. Visit beckinstitute.org to find a qualified therapist.
Sara Altshul writes on health and wellness. Her work appears regularly in Prevention magazine. She lives in Brooklyn, New York.
